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Move along, nothin’ to see here…

February 10, 2012

Have you ever felt as if the entire world is watching every single move that you make and judging you every minute of the day for the things that you do and the things that you say? I often feel that way.

I was a premie at birth and that was the very last time that I was thin in my life. I am a fat girl living in a skinny world and this year, I decided to change that fact. On paper, I am a success…college educated, daughter, wife, mother, friend, and fashionista. However, I know that people are looking at me and judging me every day of my life. I am 5’5″ and weight 274lbs. I remember being a teen and my father tiptoeing around my feelings to basically tell me that boys will never choose to be with a fat girl over a thin one and if I ever wanted a boyfriend I needed to step away from the plate and become something that I wasn’t. Even though he meant well, it propelled me to do the exact opposite. I got lost in food and I got lost in it in a major league way. I would hide in my room an eat an entire bag of chocolate chip cookies while watching tv at night. I would go to McDonald’s for breakfast just about every single day in high school. I was a closet eater. I’d eat in the bathroom at school. I’d console myself as soon as I got home with a snack, even though dinner was no more than an hour or so away. Once I went away to college, well…forget it. My entire day was planned around what I was going to eat and when I was going to eat it. No matter that I had beautiful, skinny friends and no matter that I would have done just about anything to be popular and wanted to be in a sorority.

Looking back at it now, I see that food has always been my crutch, my “happy place” if you will. It never judged me, made fun of me, called me ridiculous names, or rejected me. It was the constant in my life and supplied happiness when I wasn’t so happy. My own mother would ridicule me and call me names I think in the hopes of making me see the error of my ways. However it too backfired and made me do the things that she told me not to do. It also has created an irreparable wedge between us. I have often tried to be the bigger person and let things go and move beyond the truly painful things that she said and did to me over the years but, I came to grips with a very important fact when I became a parent; sometimes you just don’t like the people who created you. It doesn’t make you a bad person, it’s just fact.

So here I am, almost 34 years old and I am finally taking control of my life. I have decided to utilize weight loss surgery as a tool to assist me with modifying my eating habits and to help me become the person that I see inside my mind’s eye. This fat girl is finally going to shed the past and shed the pounds by stepping away from the plate. I have no doubt that this is going to be an emotional journey. I know that the future is going to be filled with twists and turns and I invite you, my new reader, to follow along on my journey as I step away from the plate and discover who I truly am without food. If nothing else, I am sure it will be an interesting read.


From → Weight Musings

One Comment
  1. Leanna permalink

    Hugs! You pretty much summed up my life. Good Luck! You can do it and inspire many in the process!

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