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3 months post op

January 17, 2013

Tuesday was my 3 month post op checkup and since surgery I have lost 70lbs and am insulin free. I suppose that means I am a recovering diabetic. We talked about how much progress I have made and what it is that I ultimately want as a goal from this surgery. I explained to my doctor that I want to weigh 140lbs when it is all said and done which is an additional 65lbs from where I sit today. I expressed concern that I am not losing weight as rapidly anymore and that, in fact, I have been sitting at the same number on the scale for over a week now. She tells me that is to be expected and that even people who have undergone weight loss surgery will reach plateaus and they have to find a way to bust through them and get back on the path. My brain understands what she is saying to me but, my heart was crushed.

I think because things were working so well I just assumed that I would continue going down until I got to the last 25lbs or so that I want to lose and that those last few pounds would be a struggle. I didn’t realize that the second half of this entire journey was going to be a struggle. She reminded me to think of the things that I have already accomplished and that what I have done people rarely do in a lifetime let alone in a span of time that is truly so small. I understand what she is saying but, I just don’t feel any differently. Yes, I can feel some muscle tone and definition in my body. People who do not see me often tell me that I look great. Even my father comments on how small I am getting when he hugs me and tells me that he can wrap his arms around me and hold on to his own elbows now while he does it. All of those things are fantastic. My question is, how does one cope with not seeing the changes in yourself?

I have a job interview today and I am wearing a size 14/16 dress for it. I have not worn this size clothing since high school. That fact in itself is something that I should be celebrating, right? When I look in the mirror I wonder if others see a fat girl trying to squeeze into a dress. Even when consciously I know that the dress fits fine. It does not cling. It is not too tight or unseemly in areas. When am I going to be able to take off the fat girl goggles and see myself for what I am becoming and not who I used to be?

When you spend as long as I have being overweight, it truly is difficult to think about yourself differently. I cannot even imagine what size clothing I will wear when I finally hit my goal. I have been shopping at a plus size women’s clothing store since I was about 15. I am close to being able to shop wherever I want. When my process started, all I wanted was to no longer be an insulin dependent diabetic and to be able to shop wherever I wanted. The first thing has been accomplished. The second thing will be accomplished here in the next three months, I’m sure. So when will I feel like I am being successful at truly changing my life? When will I feel like I am slaying the fat monster and insuring that it will never come back into my life? I don’t know when exactly but, I am hoping that it’s soon.

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