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32 days post op

As Hurricane Sandy starts to pelt us with wind and rain, I decided to sit down and reflect a bit over the last month and all of the changes that have happened in such a short amount of time. I am totally detoxed from my caffeine addiction. I had my last coke zero the night before my surgery and I have not have one drop of a caffeinated beverage since. Some days, I really miss it. Most days however, I must admit that I do not even think about it.

I am slowly working into a “regular” food diet. Oddly enough, my dietician had said pre-op that red meat would be one last things that my body would start to accept again. That seems to be what I am eating first as far as meats are concerned. I have tried to have chicken a few times now and every time it makes me sick to the point of vomiting. I suppose that my new stomach just isn’t poultry tolerant yet. I have gotten into timing my meals with that of my children’s meals because if I didn’t, I would probably never remember to eat. I do not have that constant hunger that I had before surgery. I can have a 6oz yogurt and feel like I just attended a buffet. Not only that, that exact same yogurt can sate me for most of the day. I look up and it’s time to go to bed and I replay what I consumed in the day and I might just tick off the yogurt and a few ounces of water.

So here I sit at 237lbs. I don’t think that I have weighed this since college. It is a strange yet awesome feeling when people I have not seen in a while comment on how great I look or they start to comment on how loose fitting my clothes are. No, I am not buying new clothes any time soon. When my pants fall off as I am walking, then I will consider buying new clothes. As each day passes, I continue to help myself learn what “full” feels like and to make the best possible eating choices that I can. Some days it is very hard to do since I have small children who feel the need to eat every 3 hours or so during the day and they think a good snack at times are M&Ms. I guess these are the perils that exist in everyone’s life and as I continue my journey to becoming the incredible shrinking woman, I remind myself that nothing tastes as good as being thin and healthy will feel. Yeah, I think I am going to be alright…


18 days and counting

Today was a milestone for me. I had my 2 week follow-up with my surgeon and got the positive reinforcement that I definitely needed to boost my confidence and my spirit. I have lost 20lbs post op so far and was told that is the most that my doc has seen someone lose in this amount of time in a long time.

It was great to hear because I don’t really see myself looking any different. All I know is that I feel like I have given up anything food-wise that had ever given me joy. You know you’re a foodaholic when you associate food with good times, bonding with friends, celebrating, unwinding, and consoling yourself. What does a foodaholic do when they are all of the sudden confronted with the fact that they can no longer behave like they have in the past because they are physically unable to do it? Well, it makes for one bumpy ride while you work on discovering who you are going to be in this newly cultivated body of yours.
 It is difficult to be with a group of people who are all eating and you cannot have anything. It is even more difficult when the group of people start discussing your decision to have this procedure done and how they could never do it because they like this food or that food too much or because the holidays are coming up and they want to be able to eat thanksgiving dinner and have christmas cookies.

This season is definitely going to be difficult for me. But, I want to continue focusing on making positive changes and get to the point where I am finally happy with my body.

251 and counting

I woke up this morning with my blood sugar in the toilet. I was sweating, had the shakes, and knew that it was definitely a sugar issue. I got out of bed, tested myself, and my insulin meter read “48”…woah. For any of you who are diabetic or love someone who is, you know that this is a very scary thing. When your blood sugar is in the 40s, you have chance for passing out and even slipping into a coma. So I popped a few glucose tabs and did my thing in the bathroom and then decided that today is the day…I am going to weigh myself.

I took a deep breath as I removed all of my clothes and stepped on the scale and it said: 251. WOO HOO!!! I have not weighed 251 in 10 years or so. Man, this surgery is actually working!  Not that I thought that it wouldn’t, mind you. However it is one thing to hear other people speak about the results and a totally different thing to experience them for yourself.

It is a truly amazing feeling. It almost makes up for having nothing solid to eat and drinking my meals. Almost…



Day 3 of Clear Liquids

You think it will be no big deal when the nutritionist tells you have you do have a “clear liquid diet” for three full days after discharge from the hospital. I thought, “how bad can it be? Water, apple juice, chicken broth, and protein supplements. I’ll be fine.” I’ll be fine. Let’s just say that those are some famous last, loaded words. Can I be blunt? I just want to be brutally honest and let the entire cyber world hear my growling, crying stomach and say simply: I’M HUNGRY!

I have uttered those words in the past but man, I do not think that I have truly ever known what it means to be hungry and this truly puts it into perspective for me. Since I have left the hospital, I have been living on liquids that total up to 450 calories a day. That breaks down to:

1 protein powder supplement with 8 oz of water in the morning

4oz. apple juice for a snack

1 protein powder supplement with 8oz of water for lunch

1 protein powder supplement with 6oz of water for snack

1 protein powder supplement with 8oz of water for dinner

160z of water or a calorie free beverage like crystal light to “fill up” and make sure that I don’t dehydrate.
And that’s all folks. Whew. Does that make you full just reading it? No? Me either. I truly thought that I wouldn’t be hungry and I wouldn’t notice the fact that I’m not eating. I was a fool for thinking such things. Restaurant commercials in tv make my insides melt. I had to escape upstairs while the family had dinner last night because I could not bear to smell the spaghetti and meatballs (my favorite) that my children were eating. All the while I keep repeating the mantra in my head, “Nothing tastes as good as thin and healthy will feel.” I believe that, I do. However right now it is a little hard to see the forest from the trees.

I look forward to turning a corner tomorrow because I get to begin my 10 day regimen of “full liquids” which is a diet that includes the aforementioned but also can include 1% milk, light yogurt, sugar free jello and pudding, as well as sugar free popsicles. That sounds like a buffet and music to my ears right now. I know that in 3-4 days I will be back to complaining and making statements like “how much vanilla yogurt can one person eat?” but, for now I am content in thinking that the next few days are going to be MUCH better and a little less hollow in my stomach. Here’s to hoping…

Holy Painkillers, Batman!

So it’s Monday…I was discharged from the hospital on Saturday and believe me, I was glad to go. I had a conversation with a resident about how a hospital is the most unrestful place on the planet. So when they told me that I could blow that popstand, I was one happy girl.

Fortunately for me, I happen to have an amazing babysitter in my life who is taking care of my children until this evening so I have had two whole days where all I needed to do was think about me and my new life without the stress of being Mommy, which is definitely a good thing. The meds that they gave me for pain are no joke. They actually have kept me from getting restful sleep because my brain is coming up with all kinds of bizarre dreams that seem to shake me away. I suggest to anyone going through this surgery that you manage your pain however you need to but, if the docs give you oxycodone…proceed with caution. That’s it. I know that this entry may not have been the most entertaining but this incredible shrinking woman is exhausted and is going to go have a nap.

The Big Day

I am sitting here trying not to be nervous as I wait to leave for the hospital to check in for my gastric bypass surgery. The DH has the audacity to have breakfast around me when I haven’t been able to eat since last night and won’t eat truly solid food again for about a month. The old me would be marginally annoyed about such things but, the new me is okay with it. I slept like a child waiting for Christmas morning last night.

It’s amazing to think how something that is supposed to last the duration of an hour has the potential to change your entire life in ways that you cannot even begin to imagine. My stomach is in knots. I have spent the past few days questioning almost everything in my life. I have thought about all of the events, situations, and people that conspired in my getting to be 270lbs. I have thought, dreamed, and imagined about what I will look and feel like a year from now. I am dedicated to changing my entire life. But that dedication brings on its own set of problems. Will I be the same person? No. Will I want the same things for my life? Will I have the same ambitions, goals, and desires? Will I love the same people and more importantly, after such massive changes will they still love me?
Questions, questions, and more questions. At this juncture, I do not have any answers but, I will keep you posted and we can make this journey together.



The wait is almost over

The last time that I wrote I said that I would be writing more because I was probably going to be jobless the next day. Well, I was. Then I spent the next few weeks scurrying to find a new job, which I did. I started it and it turned out to be a completely joyless endeavor that was eating my soul so, this past Monday I quit. No notice…just told my supervisor what I thought of her and walked out. Was it the smartest decision I have ever made? Probably not. Do I feel free and good about it? Yes, I do. I am choosing to stay home and take care of my children for a while and focus on beginning my new life and doing it to the best of my ability.

The last steps I needed to accomplish before surgery was having some blood drawn for tests and for having an EKG performed to make sure that my body is healthy enough for surgery. I did these things on Friday and now, I wait. Thursday the 27th cannot get here fast enough for me.

I am nervous but, the excitement definitely outweighs the nervousness. I am looking forward to not needing to wear an insulin pump anymore. I am looking forward to having food be an afterthought in my life and not a focus. I am looking forward to losing more weight than I have ever lost in my life. I want to be a tattooed bombshell…the kind of woman that people can’t help but look at because not only is she intelligent, caring, and outgoing she is freakin’ hot! I want that woman to be me and I know that this surgery is going to be the impetus to getting me where I want to be and who I want to spend the rest of my life being. More to come…